A few weeks before Christmas, a friend of mine asked me what I'd like to get. This is the sort of question that gets to me, because most of what I want is immaterial. I want peace, warmth, a soft place to fall. I got very quiet. I paced around him in the mall, and he waited without vocal complain. Who could understand that what I want can't be handed to anyone?
As a child on Christmas, I'd look around at all these presents while my parents were screaming at each other, usually over nothing. As much as the presents comforted me, I still wanted more. I feel badly that at such a young age, I began equating love with stuff. Not good, I think. I began to ask for more and more outrageous presents, and I'd get one of a few reactions. Being told I'm a spoiled brat. Being told that it's not affordable. Being told that it's not possible.
I have a vivid memory of my first boyfriend and his father talking to each other, disagreeing, but they still said what they needed to say in a normal tone. Although the issue wasn't resolved, they mutually decided to talk about it later. Before he left, his father hugged him and told him he loved him. And it was as natural as you could think. I sat on the bed, and stared at the ceiling above me, trying to keep my eyes from watering up.
"What's the matter?" he asked as he put his arm around me. I don't remember what I said, or whether or not I said anything. What was I supposed to do? You know, he's never wanted for anything he's needed, which is both a gift and... well, not a curse. It's just that he would never be able to understand how much it hurt watching a normal, healthy relationship, because I wanted -- I still want it -- so badly. Ironically, he's now grown into an asshole. Is that because he's never been rejected by someone he's loved, or are there deeper roots? Man, that's a whole topic by itself.
After pacing around him for a while, I got to the point where I could say something that wasn't "a hug" or "loving surroundings" or something like that. I succumbed, and told him I'd like guitar hero.
1 comment:
too much relevance to relate it all here, but this one touches. i'm not sure where i fall on the "dysfunctional formative years" scale, but i absolutely identify with the challenges posed by unmet needs for normal, healthy relationship(s). i could also perhaps shed some light onto the "grown into an asshole" part, but i'm guessing you're past that with this particular guy, so let's move on. short answer, i think, is that by acknowledging people for what they do for you, and acknowledging them with a touch and some meaningful eye contact and a pause to let them know how much you appreciate it, you start to build the bridges over which some "warm places to fall" can be reached. beware those whose bridges are the "draw" type, who come complete with moats. you might too, and it's a bad combination... peace.
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